Outsourcing Prayer

Many congregations, looking for quick and effective solutions to their spiritual communication needs, have found the answer by partnering with the business sector. It's called "prayer outsourcing," and it's quickly becoming the business of choice for entrepreneurs looking for the next big thing. (Read More at Humorality.com)

Letter of Complaint

Dear Mr. Oreo,

I have long been a loyal customer of yours. Over the years, I have bought multiple bags of every variety of your delicious cookie. After mastering the technique of consuming your original product, I’ve moved on to the chocolate filling, the strawberry filling, and the granddaddy of them all, the Double Stuff. I’ve even enjoyed your reduced-fat variety.

Mr. Oreo, your name has become such a common topic in my household that I think of you as a close relative. You’ve had an honored presence at birthdays, holidays, picnics, little league events, and as after-school snacks. You are a part of me, a part of my family.

You’ve been good to me over the years. This is why it pains me so to write you this letter of complaint. But if I don’t let you know of my recent hurt and disappointment, how will you be able to make amends? I’d hate to think that a relationship which has endured the decades would end over one mistake. Yet, it was such a major mistake that I cannot let it slip by. So, with a sincere desire to maintain our long-standing friendship, I write this from my heart.

Read the rest of this story . . .

The Cash for Clunkers Debacle

By DC Weiss

Every time I try to get out of politics, they drag me back in. The other day my wife and I were having dinner at a local fast food joint next to a car dealership. We have been buying furniture lately and I have been perpetually frustrated by the lack of space in my vehicle. Well sure enough there at the end of a long line of cars is this old pickup. I said to her I wonder how much that costs. I figured I could buy it cheap, maybe give it a little TLC and have what they call in these parts a “beater truck” to haul things around maybe help a few friends move, take items to the local homeless shelter, and on and on. It wouldn’t be my every day vehicle and it would probably last me for years. She said, “You can’t get that, it’s one of the clunkers.” I said, “I know it’s a clunker, it’s spray painted camouflage for goodness sake. I just want it to haul stuff.” That was when I was informed that all the clunkers traded in, have to be destroyed.

I thought, “That can’t be right. This is a democratic president and administration. Democrats are the greenest people on the planet. No way they are going to do something this destructive to the environment not to mention thoroughly wasteful.” But it’s true, the dealer is required to put a saline solution into the engine and run it until it blows up. Then the rest goes off to the salvage yard where some will be recycled into new things but most will reside in junkyards for years and years and years, until they are dug up by archaeologists and proclaimed to be something they were never intended to be. I mean come on, if the Bush administration had tried a stunt like this to bail out the automotive industry the business of creating protest signs would make enough money to bail out the economy. I simply cannot wrap my head around this. This may be the single most wasteful thing the government has ever done.

Okay, okay, time to talk myself in off the ledge. I left politics behind because I became convicted that I was supposed to pray for my leaders rather than bash them. So instead of railing on and on about how bad an idea this is, how about if I offer a positive solution? I get the concept that they want to take the old cars off the streets so that we will all buy new ones and help the struggling auto industry, so that their workers can keep earning 80K plus a year and feel they are underprivileged because their bosses make tens of millions. I get that concept, but there is a problem with the logic. I don’t care if they take every old truck off the street that there is, I cannot afford to spend $40,000 for a new one so I will do what I did that day, take my same vehicle and go home.

The $4,500 rebate would not have changed things one iota especially were I to find out that my still reasonably good trade-in would have ended up in a land fill. Oh and by the way, every time the government gives anyone money, just remember, the government is you. You, me and every one else who pays taxes spent $4,500 repeatedly, millions of times, to buy cars for the sole purpose of putting them in landfills. Frankly I can’t afford that I am still trying to figure out how I am going to earn my share of the AIG bailout. (If you really want a good laugh some time, divide the $800 billion spent to bail out one mismanaged company by the population of this nation, around 300 million people, and see how much that debacle cost you.)

Back to the solution, as a minister I am painfully aware of how many people’s lives could be radically improved with a reliable car. With it they could do silly things like find better employment, get their kids to the hospital or the doctor, drive to a grocery store rather than having to spend their already limited resources on over priced food at the local convenience store because they can walk there. How about if we stop blowing up these vehicles (cause some in the "clunker line" looked pretty darn good) and since we already paid for them, lets use them to give someone a hand up. Frankly, I would rather do that than realize that my share of Cash for Clunkers program, helped a multi-millionaire car company executive make his six figure annual bonus. Here’s a sign we might want to consider. If the government needs to bail out an industry, perhaps we should be taking a little closer look at the executives. What did they do to mess up the company in the first place? After all the government had to bail them out, and the government is us. Come on Washington, this program is a waste, but with a little tweaking a lot of people could be helped not to mention averting widespread damage to the environment.

Microsoft Envisions Weather Modification System

No matter what the Mac enthusiasts and twelve-step programs tell me, I’m proud to be a user of Microsoft products. Still, I was a little surprised to learn that upcoming versions of their products will be used to control the weather. (Read More on Humorality.com)

Coke, Sweet Tea, and Grace: Ingredients of a Novel

I took one last look in the mirror, then touched up my lipstick, primped my hair, and brushed my teeth...again. Everything had to be perfect! After all, I was having dinner with an editor from a major CBA house and a well-known author, also with a major publisher. I whispered a prayer for direction and discernment. I should have prayed for bigger hands.

(Photo courtesy of www.FreeImages.com)

At the restaurant, we were quickly seated at our tiny table, Major CBA House Editor on my right and Successful Well-Known Author with Another Major House on my left. Within seconds, the cute, perky waitress took our drink orders. I really wanted a good ol' Southern sweet tea, but since I was in PA, I knew better than to ask. (Just for the record, unsweetened tea and packets of sugar do not sweet tea make!) So I ordered Coke. Better to be safe than sorry. Uh...yeah...right.

The waitress returned with our salads and drinks and placed the giant glass of Coke on my right, between Major CBA House Editor and me. The drink needed to be on my left. So I reached across my salad to grab it with my left hand. Have you ever heard people talk about how horrendous catastrophes play out in slow motion as they're happening before their very eyes? Well, I can tell you for a fact, it's true.

I watched in horror as my dreams of publishing with Major CBA House pirouetted to a funeral dirge across the table and fell, along with the oversized glass of Coke, right smack onto the blouse, into the lap, and then onto the tapestry purse of Major CBA House Editor. Now, we're not talking about a glass turning over and dripping its contents onto someone's pants. Nope. We're talking about a supersized glass the size of a watermelon, filled with syrupy sweet, almost-black Coke falling headlong onto said editor's entire body. I wanted to crawl under the table. I actually tried, but the floor was full of feet...and waiters with mops...and waitresses with napkins...and a soaking wet purse carrying the expensive electronic devices of Major CBA House Editor.

For this I brushed my teeth...twice.

I looked up from the floor, my small hands sticky with the evidence of my fall from grace, and forced an embarrassed laugh. "Well, there goes any chance of ever submitting a manuscript to you." I hated the whine in my voice.

Gentle Editor rose from her cola bath, gazed down at me sitting in all my soda splendor, and smiled. "Oh, you can submit it...as long as this scene is in it." She stepped over me and my mess and sloshed to the restroom.

Kind Successful Well-Known Author with Another Major House, still safely stationed to my left, leaned over the edge of the table and peered into my soppy space. "Uh...that went well." (Read more at www.VondaSkelton.com...)

Please Krispy Kreme, Take My Money

There are many reasons for Krispy Kreme's business woes: the general downturn in the American economy, the increased popularity of "low-carb" diets, the difficulties in selling a product that shows what you will look like if you eat it. (Read More at Humorality.com)

V.I.P. Guest at Morning Coffee!

Guess who is coming for a visit over at Morning Coffee?



Starting tomorrow. Don't miss it!

Humor Flash

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Toss the cookies and pick up a life verse!

(NOTE: If you are a woman, you can just stop reading this right now. This is just another boring post about the 350 horsepower torquization of the machinery moleculization versus the legalization of kangaroo boxing.)

Okay, now that they are gone, GUYS...I need your help big time! My current conundrum began two days ago when my wife, who was sick in bed but still had to take care of a houseful of girls, posted something on her Facebook to that affect. My sympathetic sister-in-law, Kirsten, asked what she could do to help. Me being the great husband that I am, told my wife to stop being a sissy but also informed Kirsten that some cookies sure would make me feel better. Sure enough, she brought cookies by my work yesterday. Not only was I very surprised...I was also very hungry. So after I ate 10 or so, I figured that I should really share them with my entire office. Unfortunately, what I didn't know was that my sister-in-law made these oh so delicious treats for my wife. She tried to drop them off at my house but my wife wasn't home (some excuse about getting more medicine) so she dropped them by my office thinking I would bring them to her. What was she thinking?!? Read More

Immunizations

The conversation around the breakfast table went something like this:

Me: Foster, would you like to go and visit the fire station today?
Foster: No, thank you.
Me: (Surprised.) Really? I thought you’d love to see the fire station. You’ll get to see the firemen and the trucks up close.
Foster: (Around a mouthful of cereal.) Naaaaa. But thanks.
Me: It’s a special day, today. They are having a party at the fire station. There will be clowns, and a bouncy house. They’ll serve hot dogs and popcorn and snow-cones.
Foster: I’d really rather not.
Me: (Perplexed.) Foster, why in the world don’t you want to go to the fire station?
Foster: Because I heard you and Jay’s mom talking, and I know it’s all a big trick. They’re giving shots there, today. READ THE REST OF THIS STORY . . .

Children's Ministry Art Cartoon: Wet and Wild Wednesday

What happens when a parent gets her dates mixed up? Things can go very wrong, especially if the child has his heart set on the event.

I saw a similar situation a few weeks ago and just had to make a cartoon out of it. It's at the link below...

Children's Ministry Art: Cartoon: Wet and Wild Wednesday

Cash-for-Clunkers Expands to Include Elderly

The House of Representatives today announced passage of an expanded "Cash for Clunkers" program. The revised legislation allocates an additional $2 billion to the program, and allows cash-strapped households to turn in aging family members for rebates of up to $4,000. (Read More on Humorality.com)

The Pooch vs. Paunch Plan

It would be easier to ignore the fact that I'm guilty of the deadly sin of gluttony if mirrors hadn't been invented. So, I've taken the first step toward getting rid of my gut -- reading weight-loss articles.

I recently read a piece touting a new way to lose weight: buy a dog. Having just purchased one, I was elated. However, after further research (i.e. one year of puppy ownership), I can assure you that this may not be the preferred weight-loss plan for most people.

Some things to consider before launching the pooch vs. paunch plan: READ MORE . . .

Old and Crusty

After celebrating another birthday this past week, I have come to accept the fact that apparently I'm getting old. I didn't think so as I don't really feel old, but I guess it's time for me to face the music. I just got a gentle reminder of this in the form of a birthday card and my kid's response to that card. The card was nice enough as it had Elvis Presley on velvet on the front and wished me a "Happy hunka hunka birthday" on the inside. I was caught off guard when my 8 year old came over, took one look at the card, and said, "Is that Elvis?" "Wow sweetie, I'm impressed!," I replied, "Yes that is Elvis how did you know that?" "Dad, are you kidding?" she asked. "I love Elvis and the Chipmunks!" (Read More)

God Signs Kyoto Protocol, Goes Green

Mother Nature and her earthly domains rejoiced in a collective "Hallelujah" today as God signed the landmark 1992 protocol to the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, the so-called "Kyoto Protocol." (Read more on Humorality.com)

Earthquakes

There were some new tourists on a beach in San Diego last weekend. Apparently, after an earthquake caused quite a rumble, some giant squid became disoriented and washed up on shore. The forty-pound, four-foot-long sea creatures have eight arms and two long tentacles. Each arm has hundreds of suction cups, each one surrounded by tiny, sharp teeth. It has two enormous eyes and a sharp beak, into which it thrusts its prey. Once inside its beak, the prey is ripped apart by a tongue which is covered with teeth.

Not my idea of a friendly pet. Read the rest of this story . . .