Soccer Mom---Uh, Coach??!!!

I am now officially my 5-year-old daughter’s soccer coach. Have I ever coached soccer before? No. Have I ever played soccer before? Please…I’m from Texas. When I was in school, we had the three F’s—FHA (Future Homemakers of America), FFA (Future Farmers of America) and football. And I know how to skin a squirrel. But soccer…no.

You’re saying, “But you’ve watched a bit of soccer on TV, surely when Mia Hamm became a star in the Olympics.” Nope. In fact, I couldn’t even swear that Mia Hamm was in the Olympics or if soccer is even an Olympic sport. I’m pretty sure I heard something to that effect though.

This was my response to the fervent appeal that went out for Head Coaches this season when unexpected droves of Southern California parents like myself decided their children needed the experience of playing a sport and would look cute in a soccer uniform. “Here’s what I know about soccer…you get the ball in a net. You can’t throw it. And the kids look adorable.” They still wanted me to coach.

So here I am armed with a player roster, a coach’s handbook, an un-inflated soccer ball, a first-aid kit (Lord, help us all) and a really nifty gym bag they gave me as a perk. I know only a tad bit more about soccer than I do about capturing and taming a Bengal tiger and teaching it to become a vegetarian.

I thought this would be a simple two-hour a week commitment. I’ve since learned of my THREE required meetings which altogether add up to a whopping nine hours.

Last night’s training was great. They served free pizza and soda and I got to bring home an entire leftover pepperoni pie for my kids! As far as the training itself, it was mostly about sportsmanship. You know, things like, “Johnny, you played so hard today…next time maybe try kicking the ball into OUR goal.” OR When disagreeing with a call, it’s best not to use the phrase, “You suck” in your communication. I can do that. Citizenship I know about. How to “make a pass” or “throw down the line”---not a clue.

So after the training session we had to fill out an evaluation form on the presentation. At the top of the form I had to write down the presenter’s name. Easy enough. Next, it asked for gender and ethnicity. I hesitated. What difference does it make what ethnicity or gender my presenter was? Oh, well, they have their reasons. I checked the African-American and the Male boxes and moved on. Then it hit me…they were asking for MY gender and ethnicity. So I scratched out my previous choices and checked off the Caucasian and Female boxes.

Right now some high-ranking officials in our soccer association are reading my evaluation form and breaking out in a sweat…”This person doesn’t even know whether she’s an African-American male or a Caucasian female and she’s coaching our kids??!!!” Perhaps next year they’ll be a little more discriminating in their coaching recruitment process. In the meantime, my team will get the best snacks ever, be able to milk any cows that may appear on the field and maybe even learn to skin a squirrel.

Lisa Espinoza Johnson

Guest blogger at CAN!

I was recently a guest blogger at the Christian Authors' Network (CAN!), where I talked about networking. Check it out here.

Thought for the day

art is like the Gospel. at its core it's a simple message of the creator that too many people want to make complicated.

School Solution

Having trouble getting the kids motivated for school? Don't send them to a school in a graveyard.

Reuters reports that hundreds of children at the school in the eastern state of Bihar in India have reported having nightmares after having to attend a school located in a graveyard. Says six-year-old Raqib Ansari, "I have stopped going to school after many dead people walked out of their graves and came into my dreams, ordering me to reach school on time."

New column in Christian Voice Magazine

I'm happy to announce that, beginning with their September 07 issue, I'll be penning a column for the Christian Voice Magazine. This monthly, full color, national magazine covers the gospel music industry and includes faith, family and lifestyle articles. My column will be a slice-of-life humor column, which is great, considering that I don't know anything about Southern gospel music. I'll be writing about, among other things, parenting, my dog, office supplies, and the mysterious cat that I adopted from the Humane Society who has contracted a parasite worm almost never found in the U.S.

For more information and to see a PDF sample issue of the magazine, visit http://www.christianvoicemagazine.com/.

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Read my story HERE.

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The BBC reports this week that grandmother Jenny Brown took second place in a baking contest sponsored by the Wimblington Sports Committee - only to find out that she was the only contestant who participated in the contest.

"I definitely wasn't annoyed about it," she told reporters. Judges apparently marked down the cake from first place because it had indentations on it from a wire rack.

Julie Dent, from the Wimblington Sports Committee, said that while this was the first year for the cake baking contest, she expected it to become an annual event. She also shared her own unusual contest experience: "About 11 years ago I entered a show with some fruit scones. I was the only entrant but I came third."