No dogs on beach

Do you ever feel like just when you are about to have a good time, someone pops your balloon?
Sure, it happens to me too. When I was younger, I was convinced it was God who was just waiting for the right time to have my poor red balloon explode like the Hindenburg.

Now that I am older, I realize all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. I have found out He knows the plans He has for me. They are plans to prosper and not to harm me. He gives me a hope and a future.

So if you feel rejected, Don't make the mistake I used to make. God loves me more than a dog loves a day at the beach. He has great plans for you too!

Kevin Spear

When Did I Become Middle Aged?

Yesterday I noticed a boy running across the road. I laughed because he looked like he was running across hot coals. I first thought, "boys are so awkward at that age—and goofy too!" Then I looked down. He was barefoot! Asphalt on a 93 degree sunny day probably did feel a LOT like hot coals! I laughed again and said, "what a stupid kid, to go barefoot on such a hot surface."

Then came the groan. Almost like the V-8 commercial's bop on the forehead, I remembered my own childhood summertime barefoot antics. My soles became so calloused they developed almost a Teflon coating. I could walk barefoot on any surface. Of course, the rough shards of glass brought me crying back home for my mom to make all-better.

I loved that time in my life. Not a care in the world. It didn't matter how I looked. It only mattered that I embraced life with gusto.

Somewhere along the way,I changed. Now there are rules and regs to living life. To being just "so."

When did I hit middle-age and how can I bring back some of that summertime carefree living?

Maybe chasing fireflies at night and making glow-in-the-dark jewelry will be a start. Wish me luck!

Unfortunately, the next time I find my childhood again, I'll be in Depends and live in the imaginary world of senility. While I still have my mind, I pray I can embrace that childhood spirit once more!

When he prophesies, it's in pirate

Now this is my kind of church:

Sam Brobst took a 'Learning Your Spiritual Gift' course at Full Life Center, a charismatic church, and felt the Lord leading him to prophesy during meetings. But when Brobst opened his mouth the first time, he and others were surprised by what came out: pirate speak.

"We were in the middle of worship, when this voice rings out, 'Yar! Hear the word of the Lord — the Lord of the mighty seas!'" says one witness. "It was straight out of a Disneyland ride."

You can read the whole story here.

Tim Bete
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

Butts Steals Toilet Paper

The Associated Press reported today that a woman named Suzanne Marie Butts has been accused of stealing three rolls of toilet paper from an Iowa courthouse. While the crime is a misdemeanor that carries a sentence of less than a year, Butts could be charged as a habitual offender and serve more time because of prior convictions for theft.

Youth and Groceries

At the grocery store today I watched Spencer, the checkout boy, as he talked a blue streak to the middle aged mom ahead of me in line, exuding youthful energy as he scanned broccoli and toilet paper, bantering with her young boy about how great it is to be sick because you get to miss school and watch cartoons all day.

When it was my turn in line, he greeted me with his usual "How's it going? Did you find everything you were looking for?" and then suddenly said, "You have amazing eyes. What color are they? Blue? Green?"

This was clearly not a come on; I have leftovers in my refrigerator older than this kid.

Click here to read the rest of this column.

5 Yr-old Masters the Dumb and Dumber Hair Style

Today when I checked my 5-year-old daughter in to child care at the gym, the worker said, “How old is he?” I had expected as much.

Two nights ago, in just the time it took for me to say, “Honey, I’m going to pick up Chandler at Ben’s house,” Charli and her friend Grace rushed upstairs to the bathroom and began their careers as hair stylists. I’m not blaming my husband (who I entrusted with the well-being and impromptu grooming of my daughter and her friend). He had, after all, made sure they were safe, that their macaroni and cheese was consumed and that they were indeed on the premises. However, during the 20 minutes I was picking up Charli’s big brother, Charli and Grace managed to quietly slip into hair salon mode and whack the crud out of one another’s hair. I do believe Charli was the primary instigator.

Gracie’s mother was, well, gracious. She said, “Oh, I’d been wanting Grace to cut her (ahemm) long hair for a while, and this will motivate her to do it.” Grace ended up with a really stylish shag cut when the beauty salon tackled the remains of my daughter’s scissor spree.

For Charli…let’s just say there wasn’t as much to work with. Did you ever cut your Barbie’s bangs all the way up to the roots so that she would look like she had long bangs instead of short ones (the long hair on the rest of the head would take over as bangs so no one would miss the hair growing directly in front of the head)??? It didn’t work on Barbie either.

My hair stylist, bless her heart, set aside ample time to remediate the random clippings of my sweet little angel. You just can’t get blood out of a turnip. When some parts are to the shoulder while others are less than an inch from the scalp, it’s virtually impossible to even things out with anything less than a “Sanjaya-esque” fohawk or a buzz cut akin to Bruce Willis in the later Die Hard adventures.

Charli says she hates her haircut, but she’s not sad, despondent, hysterical, or any of the other things I would be if my hair had been cut like Lloyd Christmas on Dumb and Dumber (only shorter). Even though we’re scheduled for family photos at the beach in one week, I’m not going to stress. With the same artistic finesse she wielded with the scissors, Charli can probably paint on some bangs that would make Da Vinci weep. If she chooses to pose as is, we’ll just look back at this photo and laugh as we remember Charli’s beauty school aspirations.

And I hope we learn a lesson from her. Her brother said, “Charli, you messed up.” She replied matter-of-factly, “I know.” That was it.

She’s not beating herself up. She’s not lamenting the loss of her bangs and key quadrants of her hair. She’s not withdrawing from life until things return to the way they ‘should’ be. She’s coloring a Father’s Day picture, playing with her friend Gracie and fantasizing about the Rice Krispy treats we’re going to make for her school birthday celebration. We should all enjoy that level of UN-self-consciousness. Maybe the guys on Dumb and Dumber had more on the ball than we thought.