Thou Shalt Laugh

Just found this and can't wait to see it!

"Who says Christians aren't funny? Today's most talented comedians are brought together on Thou Shalt Laugh, a hilarious stand-up comedy concert whose stars, producers and director are all Christians. Two time Emmy® Award-winning actress Patricia Heaton ( Everybody Loves Raymond) hosts this uproarious night of stand-up comedy from the producer of the enormously popular Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie. The line-up features seven world class comedians including Thor Ramsey, Michael Jr., Jeff Allen, Teresa Roberts Logan, Joby Saad, Gilbert Esquivel and Taylor Mason. If you are looking for funny, your prayers have been answered!"

Tim Bete
www.TimBete.com

Art Buchwald says, "I just died."

Humorist Art Buchwald has died, but created a video obit before he left. In it, Art says he was put on earth to make people laugh. There's a list of great links and stories in the latest issue of the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop newsletter.

Tim Bete
www.TimBete.com

CHRISTIAN HUMOR WRITERS

The only thing I am supposed to do today is write a column. So far I have entered a writing contest, emailed my dad, baked cookies (don't be impressed; the dough was prepackaged), washed the kitchen floor (be impressed), emailed my mom, scheduled the dog's next grooming appointment and figured out (finally) how to participate in this blog. Column? Be serious. Who could write a column in the midst of such productivity? Anyway, why write a new column when the old one is still up and available at www.marybethhicks.com. If only my editor felt the same. Sigh.

Complete the caption: Cheerleader

Here is the "Complete the Caption" entry for the week. If you subscribe to the Christian Humor Writers' e-mail list, show your caption ideals to the group. Otherwise, feel free to add your entries to the comments section.

Sorry. The only prize is the pride in knowing you too could write cartoons in three easy steps and with no money down.

Kevin Spear
www.kevinspear.com

Legal Phrases Moms Use

During one VERY frustrating day with my strong-willed oldest son, I realized that frazzled moms frequently use law terms—or, at least, strategies of law--in parenting. (Finally, all those hours spent viewing Law and Order are paying off!)

Here are a few examples that we "legal eagle moms" often employ:

• Opening arguments—"Wouldn't it be fun to clean up your room?" we kindly ask our charges. "Let's make it into a game—with candy prizes."
• Discovery—"What is that green thing under your bed--and WHY IN THE
  WORLD ARE YOU EATING IT?"
• Objection—"Don't you use that tone of voice with me, young woman!"
• See you in chambers—"If you'll stay on the commode for five minutes, I'll sit in the bathroom with you and read Once Upon a Potty. Again."
• Plead the 5th—"Because God made it that way." (This all-purpose answer works surprising well in a variety of situations, at least until the kid reaches kindergarten.)
• Cross-examination—"Where did you get that tattoo?" and "Who will be at the party?" for teens; "Why are you licking the carpet?" and "Where's the gerbil?" for younger tykes.
• Leading the witness—"Don't you want a delicious green bean?" we ask our little loves, who have ingested exactly four bites of veggies in their life (sorry—French fries don't count!).
• Motion to Suppress—The lightening-fast hand movement we make to cover our wee one's mouth when we're out in public and he/she yells, "Mommy, why is that lady so fat?"
• Negotiating a settlement—"If you are really good in the store, I'll buy you a kids' meal from Burger King on the way home."
• Plea bargaining—"If you go to bed right now, without fussing, you can play with sharp things all day tomorrow."

And, finally, we come to the end of our struggle. It's ten o'clock, they've worn us down, and we decide to use the mother of all defenses:

• Closing arguments—"Because I said so. And I'm the grownup. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah."

From Grace for the Race: Meditations for Busy Moms by Dena Dyer

www.denadyer.com

Christmas Jeans--My Lucky Number!

My dear, sweet, fine-looking husband bought me a pair of KILLER designer jeans for Christmas! They were the kind I'd never buy for myself. Why? Because I could take that same amount of money to my usual shopping establishments and purchase LOTS of fun things for the price of that one pair of jeans at the mall.

I am a confessed addict. My drug of choice...bargains. It doesn't matter if it's clothes, furniture, food or entertainment, saving money makes me giddy. I experience a mind-altering rush of adrenaline when I see an original price marked out and a drastically reduced price scribbled in red. What's better...that red scribble is marked out with another LOWER price scribbled beneath that. What's better than THAT? A sign on top of the rack that says, "50% off lowest marked price." My heart is racing at the thought. Call me crazy, but I have several journal entries where I thank God for putting that black sweater I'd been searching for right there on the sales rack with the scribbles and the 1/2 price placard.

So back to the jeans. I had been to the mall back in November to "try on jeans just for fun." Apparently after age 40, that phrase becomes an oxymoron. I wasn't having fun. I was becoming desperate. After trying the new peg leg jeans that seemed to shout, "Hi, l'd like to turn your attention to my bottom that is in complete disproportion to the rest of my body," I turned to the "Not Your Mother's Jeans." I decided against the 10-inch zipper and waist-band that came to just below my imaginary bust-line. The bell bottoms made me look like a little decorative paper punch of a bell. Of all the styles and brands I tried, without even looking at prices mind you, one pair won my heart. They fit in all the right places, zipped easily without any wrestling moves and felt like "buttah" on my skin. I fumbled around for the price tag and slowly flipped it over. Wouldn't you know...they were those expensive jeans named after a number...probably the number of houses the person now owns who came up with the things.

Seeing as how I typically refuse to pay three figures for anything I'll not be wearing in a snowstorm or for a dinner with the President, I hung up the jeans, turned and said a sad goodbye to a dream...the perfect-fitting jean. Then i went a few stores down with a coupon and paid $34 for a pair that still cover me up and keep me warm and don't look half bad. They do NOT, however, feel like "buttah." I called my husband and told him of my jean saga, careful to remind him how lucky he was to have a wife who settled for $34 scratchy, ill-fitting jeans rather than bankrupting the family with her vanity.

Fast forward to Christmas morning. I picked up the the shiny silver box with the perfectly tied ribbon. I opened it up and pulled out----my jeans named after a NUMBER---probably the number of dollars it takes to actually manufacture a pair of the things. I squealed with delight and ran to the bathroom to try them on. I gasped when I saw the size. I was flattered but knew I hadn't worn that particular size since I was that particular age---before children. I pulled them on and sure enough, when it came time to zip, major maneuvers were necessary. My husband said they looked good. I couldn't say anything as I was holding my breath.

I took them back to the mall after Christmas. Just for kicks I tried them on to show the very YOUNG sales girl how I really needed a size or two larger. She looked at me quizzically and said, "Oh, they don't fit? I think they look good." "Thank you," I replied, "but chances are I'll need to eat, sit down or exhale at some point."

Turns out they didn't even have my size available...they're on order. In the meantime, I'm wearing my $34 jeans and eating, breathing, sitting down, zipping and unzipping to my heart's content. Oh, well. when I finally slip on those "buttah" soft jeans in the size I fell in love with on that fateful day back in November, I'll be living in my jeans named after a number...the number of kisses I'll plant on my husband for buying me the things!

Lisa Espinoza Johnson
Author Days of Whine and Noses--Pep Talks for Tuckered Out Moms, The Guilt-Free Mom-Friendly Days of Whine and Noses Journal, co-author Doin' What We're Made to Do: Teaching Kids About Worship
www.candykissesmuddyhugs.com