Fit, Green and Squashed

I confess: I was on deadline for this month's column and wrote it in the doctor’s office while waiting for the results of my annual breast squash, which for those of you not familiar with the term, is a procedure where a woman's breast is flattened like a pressed flower between a glass pane and an x-ray table. You call is mammogram. I call it pain with a co-pay.

Joanne Brokaw
www.joannebrokaw.com

As you know, Pluto just got voted out of the planet club. My heart goes out to the little fella, since he's a lot like me in junior high: small for his age and left out in the cold because he's not part of the inner circle. Astronomers can be so cruel!

James Watkins
www.jameswatkins.com

For Russ's birthday, I poured an entire bowl of steaming hot miso soup all over my front at a hip new Japanese restaurant. Since it came before the meal, I had to sit there the remainder of the meal with red skin under soaked clothing. Not to be outdone, I managed to provide an even more outlandish stunt for our 25th wedding anniversary this week.

Read more here!

Kathy Carlton Willis
Living Out Loud Communications

What Kind of Parent Are You?

Here's a quiz to determine "What Kind of Parent" you are. Don't worry--I'm busy, too. That's why this quiz only has one question...and as for the answers, you'll have to read on.

Q: Your two year-old keeps saying "poopyhead." What is your most likely response?

A. Ignore him.
B. Punish his older brother, who taught him the phrase.
C. Tell him to stop, put him in timeout--one minute for every year of his age--and then go into another room and laugh hysterically.
D. Spank his little behind, with a spanking spoon (never the hand, as James Dobson recommends).
E. You're offended by the word "poopyhead."

If you answered "a," you're a better parent than I am. This is most likely the expert-preferred method of parenting; however, it's one I rarely accomplish. You're probably the mom who looks good when you drop your kid off at daycare. I, on the other hand, am still waking up and actually have on my pajama top under my shirt.

If you answered "b," now we're talking. I would love to be this kind of parent--the kind that goes for natural consequences. "You made your bed, now lie in it" is a phrase you use a lot. (or is it "lay in it"??? I can never remember.) Parenting gurus like Jim Fay (the "Love and Logic" guy) are your models. You never run a lunch up to school when the kid forgets it--you make him eat the soggy PB&J sandwich the cafeteria feeds to slacker kids. I, on the other hand, tend to be what Fay calls a "helicopter" parent. I circle around and make life too easy for my kids. I'm working on it, though. :)

If you answered "c," you are most like me. I have the hardest time disciplining my two year-old. He's so dang cute! However, I do know that I have to be firm--otherwise, the little guy will walk all over me come kindergarten. So that's why I go in the other room to laugh.

If you answered "d," I commend you for your firmness. However, I have a hard time spanking. I do it, just not very often. And I NEVER do it in public. I'm afraid some super-vigilant "citizen's arrest" type will call Child Protective Services and I'll end up getting a home visit from someone with a scary badge and even scarier powers.

If you answered "e," then you haven't been a mom very long, you're super-private about bodily
functions, or you're my mother. Mom, why are you reading this? You know I have two boys and they've brought me over to the "other side"!!!

Seriously, if you're still reading, you know--as well as I do--that there is no "right answer." I wish there were! So instead, we mother according to our--and our kiddos'--personalities. We try to treasure the calm moments with those darlings God has given us. We dog-ear Proverbs, and we wear out our knees praying for wisdom. And as a famous mom I heard interviewed once said, "we do the best job we can with our kids, and save up a lot of money for their future therapy."

My Kitchen Pantry
There’s no rhyme or reason to my pantry. Or taste!
For instance, those hunks of yams canned in that syrupy goo? What was I thinking? I don’t even want to give those floating tubers away to the homeless.
In my tea section I’ve got a couple of oddities—maple tea and licorice tea. I have a feeling those puppies will stay in there until there’re penicillin.
Also hiding in my pantry is a heart-healthy jar of mayo made with olive oil. Yum! You know my family is going to love slathering that on their baloney sandwiches.
I live in the Houston area, so when a hurricane approached, we stocked up on whatever was leftover in the grocery store, like those incredible canned, albino, mixed vegetables. We discovered there’s a reason canned rhymes with bland. We should have just shredded the labels off the cans and had them with milk.
Then lastly, there’s that sticky macadamia/cashew butter languishing in the back. I intend to eat it, but I did see that peeling wallpaper in the den that needed a bit of something tacky. . .
So what’s hiding in your pantry?

Anita Higman
http://www.anitahigman.com/

Ten Clues A Man Should Wear a Shirt in Summer

Ten Clues A Man Should Wear a Shirt in Summer

10. Take a tape measure. Drop it on the floor. If you can't pick it up without bending your knees, put on a shirt.

9. If you have a tattoo containing any of the Federal Communication Commission's seven dirty words, put on a shirt.

8. If you don't want to appear as a suspect on TV's "COPS," put on a shirt.

7. If you have more chest hair than your neighbor's poodle, put on a shirt.

6. If you're over 40, put on a shirt.

5. If you've had open-heart surgery, put on a shirt.

4. If you wife, girlfriend, mother (and especially all three together) can't reach around you for a hug, put on a shirt.

3. If you don't want to die of melanoma, put on a shirt.

2. If your measurements exceed 36A, put on a shirt.

1. If your family or neighbors have cut out this column for you, put on a shirt.

Jim Watkins
www.jameswatkins.com