How Did You Get Your Hair Like That?

I wear my hair spiked up in the back in a style that sort of looks like bed-head. In fact, a lady once told me, “honey, I wake up looking like that, and I work hard to fix it.”

I told her, “Well, don’t work so hard!”

This past weekend I was at a writer’s seminar, and another woman asked me, “How do you get your hair to do that?” It got me to thinking. Now here is a list of responses I can use:

How Did you Get Your Hair Like That?

1. I slept-walked through a car wash and didn’t wake up until “buff.”

2. A hummingbird forgot to stop flapping her wings before nesting there.

3. I thought I was walking on the fashion runway, and a fan was blowing my hair back, but I was actually on an airport runway and the prop plane was taking off.

4. I thought I was using hair glue to spike my hair. It was actually super glue.

5. I reached for the hair spray, but grabbed the spray starch by mistake.

6. My hairdresser told me to blow-dry my hair upside down. Do you know how hard it is for a 43 year old woman to hang from the monkey bars like that?

7. While watching cartoons, an ACME package arrived at my door. It was a lit stick of dynamite. I lived to tell about it, but my hair will never be the same.

8. My hairdresser said she was going to whip up a new hairstyle for me. I had no idea she would be using her Kitchen Aid!

Kathy Carlton Willis
Living Out Loud Communications and Manuscript Editorial Services

Never-ending Questions

Spencer, my littlest guy, keeps me on my toes. It beats doing crossword puzzles, but sometimes I just don't know how to answer him.

I give you the following:

1. Why did Granmom and Grandad name you "Mommy?"

2. Do ducks ever smile sometimes?

3. Why do boys have nipples?

4. How long ago were the Olden Days?

5. Did they have copyrights when Jesus was born?

Sometimes they're not questions; they're statements, such as:

"I can't go outside. The oxygen makes me fart."

And most recently, during a church service: "I have an itch on my scrotum."

Yes, indeed. Nothing quite prepares one for the mothering of a boy.

Nothing.



Jill Schafer Boehme
The Write Way Home

Oh, golf

Golf is as exciting as a long walk with short breaks to stop and watch the grass grow.

- Joanne Brokaw

Seven Peeves that Don't Make Good Pets

We love to read about what irritates folks. Why? Maybe for the mystical bonding we feel with humanity while replying, “Yes, I do find that equally repulsive.” So, here are a few of my little “beetlebug in your underware” annoyances to share with your friends and family.

1. Germ soaked public restrooms—need I say floor?

2. The riddling guilt from staring at idle exercise equipment.

3. People at parties who pour out their passion for you while they probe for more prominent and powerful prospects.

4. Prescription drugs that brag of their limited side effects such as dry mouth and sudden death.

5. Salespeople who call during your first hot bite of dinner merely to remind you they have no intention of selling you anything.

6. The bare reality of sitting on a doctor’s examination table. Can you say rice paper?

7. People who yak about themselves incessantly, and don’t allow me to elaborate on my own considerable accomplishments, activities, and acumen. Do you have a few hours?

Anita Higman
www.anitahigman.com

Happy Chocolate Eclair Day!!

Today is National Chocolate Eclair Day!

One 5" eclair has about 262 calories, with 141 from fat. It provides 42% of daily cholestrol and 24% of daily fat. (It also supplies 17% of your Vitamin A and 6% of your daily calcium so it's not all bad.)

Eclairs are basically a pastry made from butter, flour and eggs with a cream filling made from eggs, milk and some more butter.

In French, the word "eclair" means a flash of lightning; in English I think that translates to "heart attack."

Joanne Brokaw
www.joannebrokaw.com

Top 10 Ways to Know Your Daddy is a Redneck

If you can relate to three or more of the following, your Daddy may be a Redneck. Based on actual events in the life of author Lisa Espinoza Johnson who proudly grew up in a trailer in the boondocks of East Texas.

10. Entertains family at supper by suspending his dentures from top of his mouth.
9. Asks for one more Miller Light cozy for Father's Day so he can have one in each room of the trailer house.
8. Has an unusually large tattoo of an eagle on his upper arm artfully camoflaging the naked lady tattoo your mama insisted he remove before their wedding.
7. Describes his ultimate dream home as "double-wide."
6. Uses the same pocket knife to pick his teeth and peel your apple.
5. Gets teary-eyed when he talks of passing down his NASCAR ashtray as a family heirloom.
4. Local hardware store is his favorite denim outfitter.
3. Everyone counts on him to shoot the main course for the church potluck.
2. For your high school graduation he dressed up by removing the shells from his hunting vest.
1. You often told your pre-school friends, "I can't play...I'm helping my Daddy skin a squirrel."

Lisa Espinoza Johnson
www.candykissesmuddyhugs.com

Missions for Chickens column launches at ChristianActivities.com

If you’re a Christian who is afraid to utter the words “mission trip” out loud for fear God might send you to Africa; if you think that that 10/40 Window is a new type of insulated glass; if you’re into following God but “just not into missions”, then join me for the launch of my Missions for Chickens column at ChristianActivities.com. Together we’ll explore ways that you can be involved in God’s global work - often without even leaving home.

Got a missions-related question? Send me an email. If I can’t answer it, I’ll find a real life, honest-to-goodness expert who can.

Joanne Brokaw
www.joannebrokaw.com

10 Phrases Every Father Needs To Know

In honor of Father's Day:

10 Phrases Every Father Needs to Know
by Joanne Brokaw

10. Go ahead and stick beans up your nose, but don’t come crying to me when you sprout a garden up there.

9. I don’t know. Ask your mother.

8. Who said you could have a puppy? Nobody asked me about a puppy.

7. Do I look like an ATM machine?

6. If I have to pull this car over somebody’s going to be sorry.

5. You should have gone before we left the house.

4. When I was a kid, we walked five miles to school. Uphill. In both directions.

3. I’m not lost. I’m taking the scenic route.

2. What? Are we trying to heat the entire neighborhood?

1. Keep it up and I’ll give you something to cry about.

(c) 2006 Joanne Brokaw All rights reserved.

What Fathers Have In Common

• Their wallets contain more photos of their children than of their wives and even their favorite cars.

• If their children do something right, they take all the credit, but when they mess up, they tell their wives, "YOUR child did such-and-such."

• They puff up their chest with pride if their teen son "“bags a babe"” but they get the shotgun out when any hormone-raging male comes within 50 feet of their precious daughter.

• They act all tough around their co-workers (gangsta handshake and bad-mouthin the ol ball-n-chain), but when Daddy's Lil’ Gal comes in the room, hearts turn to jello.

• They can fix anything with duct tape. (And it's a good way to hide any leftover screws from critical view.)

• They have a second chance at fulfilling all their life dreams, this time through the lives of their children (football star-potential scholarship, math wiz-potential business executive, computer geek-potential software designer, not to mention sending them to a dermatologist for zits and orthodontist for teeth).

• They are no longer dressed by their wives, but by their teenage daughters who inform them which shirts are disgusting and which ties are an embarrassment.

• Their home theaters or dens have been turned into a fourth bedroom for that nine-month surprise.

• They no longer get to enjoy spontaneous dates with wifey, but must plan ahead for when the kids are away at sleepovers, if they want the house to themselves.

• You can find them crying at weddings-weddings of their little girls all grown up. They'll act like something is in their eyes, but we know it is actually pride mixed with sadness. Just where did those precious years go?

Kathy Carlton Willis
Living Out Loud Communications

Best things about being a father

I like Father's Day because it's the only holiday I can forget and not get in trouble. Here are the top-5 best things about having kids:

5. When asked, "Who farted?" there are other likely suspects to blame.

4. Kids distract my wife from focusing on my behavior.

3. New audience for old jokes.

2. Without kids I never would have discovered just how far Barbie's stiletto heel would fit up a toddler's nose.

1. Sanity is overrated.

Happy Father's Day!

Tim Bete
www.TimBete.com

Father's Day

Top 5??? Top 10??? let me try:
1. It's never a good idea unless it's HIS.
(read my column "His Idea" and learn how we almost divorced over a Christmas tree stand.)
2. You know Father's Day is soon when all the Sunday ads feature power tools, golf equipment and camping gear. What? No hemmoroid cream?
www.busstopmommies.com

I Was Minding My Own Business...Honestly

I'm all for self-expression. Really, I am.

Individualism is good, too. And confidence. And an I-don't-give-a-hoot-what-anyone-thinks attitude that renders its bearer capable of great things, unhindered by a fear of man.

But some thing are better left for private moments. Like popping a zit. Or scratching the unmentionable itch.

Or plucking chin hairs...

Read the article here.


Jill Schafer Boehme
The Write Way Home

Guest Blogger Challenge: Father's Day

In honor of Father's Day, give us your best Top Ten List for Father's Day. It could be a list of the worst gifts, dumbest things you've said as a dad, best use for a father's day tie, ways to celebrate dad ... the field is wide open and the possibilities are endless.

Email your submission and you could be our latest guest blogger!

Mind Reading Mommy

I once had a conversation with my daughter where her contribution consisted almost entirely of the phrase, "What's that?" I don't know whether I should feel honored, because she thinks I'm so powerful that I have mind reading skills, or frightened, because she's found new way to systematically drive me insane.

Read the whole story here.

Joanne Brokaw
www.joannebrokaw.com

Weird Things I've Said as a Mom

• Don't lick the carpet!
• I was just talking out loud.
• When I was a little girl, there was a thing called an "Encyclopedia."
• Do your toes taste good?
• Don't drink the bath water!
• Your nose is not the place for popcorn.
• Yes, the people on Pluto probably do have lunch plans.
• How come you can spell "perpendicular" but you can't remember to flush?!
  
  www.denadyer.com

National Bubba Day!

Thanks again to our friends at HolidayInsights. com for noticing that June 2nd is "National Bubba Day."

They say, "National Bubba Day honors anyone named or called Bubba. To qualify to be honored today, your name can be formally, or informally 'Bubba'. You can even take on the name 'Bubba' for just the day. That way everyone can celebrate this day."

Apparently there isn't any proclamation or congressional record stating this as an official national holiday, but really, does the federal government have time for this? Not when our congressmen are consumed with making laws that forbid me to talk on my cell phone while I drive. And who cares, anyway. Not Bubba, that's for sure.

So in honor of National Bubba Day, why not have some shrimp for dinner? Maybe some stuffed shrimp, shrimp and scallops, shrimp and garlic, fried shrimp, shrimp in beer, spicy shrimp ...

Joanne Brokaw
a.k.a. "Bubba" McFlifferhoffer

Birthing A Car

Birthing a Car

I’d rather have a root canal. No, I take that back. I’d rather give birth to a ten pound baby without an epidural. In a corn field in Timbuktu with enemy forces roaring down from the hills threatening to steal the baby and its sixteen siblings (all also born in a field, though some were beans fields, without an epidural) and train them to be automatic machine gun toting antigovernment guerillas.

A girl can dream…as she listens to yet another auto dealership sales manager tell her one southern accented lie after another. "Well honey, that rebate’s only good ‘till the end of the month. When can I expect you in? I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you."

The rebate is good through July. It says so in plain, non-fine print on the auto manufacturer’s web site. But I guess Mr. Sales Manager thinks all women car buyers are total yahoos, put on earth for their entertainment and ego stroking purposes.

"Well there, Miss Karen, you’ve always paid that car mat fee. Everyone does. I don’t care if you bought a Toyota, GM or this here Ford. Everyone pays extra for them car mats. When can I expect you in? I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you."

Ooooh! I’ll rush right over, but please be sure to add the Car Mat Fee to the additional fee I typically pay for the luxury package featuring a steering wheel, turn indicators and dashboard.
"Now there’s no way I can waive that $14.97 gas fee. See we’re doing you a favor by filling up the tank and we’re losing money in the deal. Them big boys in the big company don’t give us nothing. Why, they send us them cars without a full tank! But we want to be generous and fair to our customers. That gas fee’s never been waived, never will be. When can I expect you in? I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you."

I’ll fill up my own tank and pay the suspicious looking guy at the quickie mart more money just for spite.

"You wanna know what the Document Fee is? That teeny weenie nominal little fee of $489.50? Well that’s for the P.I.D.’s, the A.B.C.’s, the X.Y.Z.’s and for that piece of paper stuck to the side window. Then we gotta pay them girls upstairs to file the title and all. You don’t want them working for free, do you? That fee’s never been waived, never will be. When can I expect you in? I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you."

P.I.D. spelled backwards is DIP!

"Now missy, here I’m trying to be fair and honest and help you out and you’re not being fair asking me all them questions. When can I expect you in? I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you."

Right after I’m done giving birth to a ten pound baby….

Soccer Moms are so 20th Century. We’re Bus Stop Mommies now! www.busstopmommies.com
Copyright 2006 Karen Rinehart

Thought for the day

Printed on my Salada tea bag tag:

"Out of the mouths of babes come words we should never have said."

Joanne Brokaw
www.joannebrokaw.com