On a serious note ... Happy Memorial Day

As you spend this Memorial Day under the bright sunshine, posed in a lawn chair along a parade route, or parked at a picnic table, take a moment to remember the men and women that we honor today. Lift up a prayer for the servicemen everywhere and in every branch of the military, as well as the families of those soldiers who have sacrificed their lives in service to our country.
God bless America, and that's no joke!
Joanne Brokaw
www.joannebrokaw.com

Thing that makes me go "hmmmm...."

Why do I park as close as I can to the gym?

Dena Dyer
www.denadyer.com
www.denadyer.typepad.com
www.groovychicksroadtrip.com

New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest

Hey all, check out the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest

Brainstorming a cartoon caption is a great way to get your creative juices flowing. And hey,if you win, you can add The New Yorker magazine to your credits. That's way more impressive than the Christian Humor Writers Blog.

a.k.a. Binky

Things Kathy Hates

Kathy asked us to share things that we hate. Back in January, I made of list of 10 things that drive me crazy, including renewal notices, the prayer request gossip chain, and chain emails. It's not all funny stuff (and one you won't even get unless you live in Rochester), but it sure fits her request! You can read the list here.

Joanne Brokaw
www.joannebrokaw.com

Ship of Fools

I stumbled across the greatest Christian humor website today, Ship of Fools. Most of the humor is directed at ridiculous church things, like hypocrisy and fire & brimstone religious tracts. Like Dr. Mark Shatz taught us, humor = truth + pain. There's no place that that's more true than the church, eh?

Joanne Brokaw
www.joannebrokaw.com

Because I'm the director of the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop, I often get asked, "Will there ever be another Erma." There are three reasons there will never be another Erma:

1) Erma's column was in 900 papers at her peak. Two hundred papers is incredibly successsful today.

2) Erma started writing at a time that made her stand out. There were few other women humor columnists and certainly none who could write as well as she did.

3) Catholics don't believe in reincarnation.

Tim Bete
www.TimBete.com

7 Things I Hate

Proverbs talks about seven things the Lord hates. This got me to thinking about some of the things I hate, despise, abhor--you get the drift.

Here's my list du jour. Care to share yours?

I HATE:

1. Crusty, raggedy, thin pieces of terry cloth material that some hotels try to pass off as bath towels. Ga-ross!

2. When people think they are "all that" and patronize others by talking down to them and acting all superior. Um-I don't think so! I can learn something from everyone, making them my equal.

3. Waiting. Waiting for acceptance letters from editors, for a doctor's office to call with test results, waiting at stop lights, for my ship to come in. Wait, you say I can learn a lot while waiting. Like patience? I learned a long time never to wish for that!

4. When people give me advice without knowing all the facts. For that matter, I never asked for the advice. Somehow, they think they are a self-appointed expert, and they know something to help me that I'm just too dumb to figure out on my own. I'm all for asking for advice, but if I don't ask, don't share. I'm not ready to hear it yet.

5. When people commit to something and then dog the commitment. Whatever happened to a person's word being their bond? A promise being a promise? I would rather someone say "no" and then show up, than to say "yes" and then let me down. Why can't some people learn? What's worse, some say "yes" without ever having any intention of making good on their commitments. Now, that's just not right!

6. When people tell me something can't be done. They've never done it my way. The Willis way (hence my screenname of WillisWay). Better to believe in possibilities, rather than be fenced in by self-imposed limitations.

7. Going along with that last one, I hate it when people say, "It's always been done THIS way." They don't like change, they fold their arms and plant their feet, and stubbornly insist on things staying status quo. Just think what they are missing out on!

What do YOU hate? You are in good company. Even the Lord had a list!

Kathy Carlton Willis
Living Out Loud Communications and Manuscript Editorial Services

Wednesday is National Escargot Day!

Tired of the same old chicken and canned soup skillet recipes? Looking for something to spice up dinner this week? Well, Wednesday is National Escargot Day, according to the folks at HolidayInsights.com, who say, "The approved way of celebrating National Escargot Day is by eating a plate of Escargots." Well, that makes sense I guess.

I tell you now, on Monday, so that you have time to dig in the garden for your Wednesday night supper.
Bon appetite!

Joanne Brokaw
www.joannebrokaw.com

Settling into middle age is amusing.
But not in a good way. The older I get the more I resemble a pelican—a beady-eyed bird with clumsy flight and a gullet that hangs a bit too low.
And now I’ve discovered something new about my aging self. While I stared in my magnifying mirror I noticed my bottom lip was hanging funny as if the hinges were loose. I tugged and pursed, hoping it would snap back like my waistband. Nothing. Would my mouth become incontinent? Did they have Depends for that?
When I was young I don’t remember thinking about my anatomy in pieces. All the various parts used to fit together like a Rubik’s Cube. Now I’m more like an abstract painting--you know, those Picassos with the eyeballs and arms thrown on the canvas like the artist was tossing a salad of body parts. He must have been painting middle-aged folks like me.
Recently, I noticed my inner workings had come up with yet another ingenious surprise for me. My finger started twitching hysterically. Amazing and frightening all at the same time. It was like the first spasmodic jerks of Frankenstein.
I think the whole aging episode thing could become a reality show—Antiques To Go—and we could watch as middle-aged people try to survive with fewer and fewer body parts and then one by one get voted off the planet.

Anita Higman

You Changed the Rules!

My little buddy, Ethan, taught me another profound truth yesterday. He thought he was "babysitting" the pastor's ten-week old Jack Russell puppy. He decided to entertain Buster by allowing the short-legged pup to chase him in and out of the kitchen and around the other direction to form a circular race track. At one point, Ethan seemed to be tiring, and Buster caught up and actually surpassed Ethan.

I said, "Ethan, I think Buster won the race."

To which he replied, "Nu-huh. Buster broke the rules. You were supposed to stop right here." And he pointed to the very spot where his feet were planted.

His father noted, "Ethan has a tendency to change the rules. Like Buster even KNEW the rules!"

We may laugh at Ethan's childish rule-making and rule-changing, but we must admit we all do this at times. We have expectations of others, and just when they figure things out, we "change the rules." And others treat us the same way. It is frustrating without proper communication to ever know exactly WHAT others expect of us. Like Buster, we might be excelling by even getting ahead of the pack and we believe we have won the race. Then we discover something has changed, and someone else is actually the noted achiever. This often happens in our work places and even in our relationships.

Fortunately, God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. His expectations are contained in the same Word of God that has been preserved since the time the author penned the inspired words. We don't have to worry about Him changing the finish line. If we add anything to the Bible regarding what God expects of us, we are only designing a man-made religion.

I'm going to work harder at communicating what I really expect, so others don't have to read my mind. And I'm glad God communicates clearly with me!

Kathy Carlton Willis
Living Out Loud Communications

Diddle, dang and this month's column

My latest column, "Don't Diddle, Dang It!," is now available at:
http://joannebrokaw.com/ThisLife.php

Joanne Brokaw
www.joannebrokaw.com

Taking over the world

Word has already spread about this blog. Watch the movie.

Tim Bete
www.TimBete.com

Erma snapshot

So you can put a face to some of our witty musings, here's some pictures from the most recent Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop.
















From L to R: Joanne Brokaw, Lisa Espinoza Johnson, Tim Bete (conference director), and Mary Beth Hicks.
(Good grief, what made me think that scarf looked good?)
















L to R: a coffee carafe, Mary Beth Hicks, Christine Martinello, Joanne Brokaw, Lisa Espinoza Johnson

(This picture was taken just before we started tormenting our waiter, Leo, about the lemony lemon cake and our need for more chocolate. NOW!)

Swimsuit Shopping is of the Devil

Yesterday I dropped off each kid at his or her respective educational repository. Immediately following the customary, "I love you," I added a desperate plea, "Call the prayer chain...I'm going shopping for a swimsuit today." They didn't get it. They had no idea the seriousness of my request. Any normal woman with a taste for real food as opposed to vinegar-dressed salad and non-fat anything would understand this was no trivial attempt at humor. This was a serious matter of prayer as I tooled about in my empty mini-van surveying my retail options.

I decided on a store that was having a big two-day sale and entered the automatic double-doors with high hopes mixed with a hint of skepticism. Just as you can't dive into a box of Cracker Jack and find the prize on the first try, it is next to impossible to find that one "perfect", or at least less-than-frightening, suit at the very first store you enter. I had made a mental list of all the stops I would likely have to make---Target, Old Navy, Marshall's, TJ Maxx, Mervyn's. If all else failed, I knew I would end up at that place I try to avoid in order to stave off a bad case of, "Oh, yeah, I need a pair of those and at least three of those and how could I think of stepping out in public this summer without that--in every color!" The mall.

At first my suspicion of a long, harrowing search seemed to be confirmed. I had a list of requirements that no suit in this place could fill. It had to make my belly look less "Hey, I've had four kids" --ish, provide me with the chest that nature forgot to bestow, and draw attention up to my best features while disguising those toward the bottom that were it not for swimming pools and the beach, I would keep covered with fabric.

The two-piece bikini---not for God nor country. The one-piece--reminded me of something my mom would have worn had she ever ventured out of her polyester elastic-waist pants and donned a swimsuit. But wait. Here's a hybrid of the two. A "halterkini." Several of them. And they're actually CUTE!

I'm certain the others trying on clothes in the dressing room heard my squeal as I tried on the first of about twelve swimsuits. It covered my belly and bottom and gifted me with the chest I never knew. AND, it was not fuchsia, which makes me look like a recovering victim of West Nile Virus, or striped---with the white stripe landing just across the part of the would-be bosom that announces one's state of frigidity. It was a beautiful chocolate brown (anything chocolate is delicious in my book), with a coral, turquoise and lime green paisley pattern. After trying on several more and narrowing it down to four (I'm still praying about which two to return), I exited the dressing room and announced to the attendant, "I guess calling the prayer chain worked! I love these suits!"

I was feeling quite good about my fashion standing this summer, imagining myself glowing as I hit the poolside wearing my hot new halterkinis. Then I ran across a clothes rack right up front where all the new "in" stuff is displayed. The sign on top announced boldly-- "LEGGINGS for SUMMER." Leggings. Just when you're feeling good about yourself, they have to go and start that crap.
Lisa Espinoza
www.candykissesmuddyhugs.com

National Ride Your Bike to Work Day

Today, May 19th, is National Ride Your Bike to Work Day. Since I work at home, I've opted to skip the official celebration and spin around in my office chair for a half-hour instead.

Joanne Brokaw

ParentLife magazine

My column, "A Man's Guide to the Delivery Room," was published in the June issue of ParentLife magazine. Two of my columns were recently accepted for the anthology, Amazing Grace for Fathers.

Tim Bete
www.TimBete.com

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar...

Check out the New Yorker cartoon contest. I entered but wasn't a finalist. My caption:

"They're here. Send over the punchline."

Tim
www.TimBete.com

Welcome to the Christian Humor Writers blog!

For some time now this little group of humor writers have been chatting online and having a grand old time for ourselves, laughing, joking and generally behaving. We thought maybe it was time to invite you in.

A few of us met a couple of years ago at the Erma Bombeck Humor Writers Workshop, in Dayton, Ohio and actually still like each other enough to talk almost every day online. Several of us met for the first time recently at the most recent Erma workshop and felt like we'd known each other forever. The rest of us wouldn't recognize each other if we bumped grocery carts in the bulk food aisle - which probably would never happen, considering that our hometowns are in California, New York and everywhere in between. But you never know.

The writers on this blog wax humorously in their columns on everything from parenting to politics, entertainment to romance. To be honest, I have no idea what you're going to find here ... but we hope you enjoy hanging out with us as much as we've enjoyed hanging out with each other.

Joanne Brokaw